Have you ever felt like there is a loss of desire in your relationship? Recently in my couple’s therapy sessions, I have heard a common theme: the desire to feel wanted and sexy.
For many couples, the “flame of desire” can go out when couples get stuck in routines and find themselves on auto-pilot mode. What makes it challenging is trying to get “the spark back.” Such a daunting task because so many questions come to mind “Do they still see me attractive?” “Will our sex even be the same?” “Will they reject me if I try to initiate sex?” “Why do I have to initiate sex? Why don’t they ever initiate sex?” “Why don’t you just notice me?” And the list of questions goes on.
Ask yourself:
If my partner notices me, makes me feel sexy, initiates sex with me, then this will mean ____ about our marriage/about me. Only you know what this will mean for you and your relationship. But knowing this part of you, will be a good reminder to continue to take the risk of reigniting your flame.
So how do you feel sexy in your relationship?
First, it starts off with yourself. Having an open mind before getting started on this journey is crucial!
Some people feel guilty for wanting to feel sexy. It can feel like too much to ask, especially when everything else is working.
If this feels true for someone, they should know that many people experience these feelings. They can acknowledge this barrier and remind themselves that they deserve to feel sexy.
Other barriers can cause someone to dismiss or pull away when their partner tries to get close. This may relate to confidence, discomfort, past traumatic events, or simply not being in the mood.
These barriers should be addressed before moving forward with reigniting the flame and feeling sexy.
Their partner may give desired compliments, initiate sex, or try to make them feel sexy. However, rejecting these efforts or struggling to accept them may eventually discourage their partner from trying.
This frustration can lead to arguments about efforts not being recognized or accepted. Understanding these barriers and what causes someone to pull away can be helpful for both partners.
Second, the need to want to feel sexy must be addressed in a way your partner will hear you.
If your partner does not know that a need of yours is not being met, expecting them to “just know” will only leave you disappointed. Have an open and honest conversation of what you feel is missing. Let your partner know that you miss them touching you, kissing you passionately, flirting with you, etc.
Third, recognize that the “flame” will not jump back to how things were before.
For most couples, the flame goes out after being together for a few years, after having children, after settling into their careers, or really whenever life becomes consistent and there needs to be somewhat of a schedule. The people you and your partner have become are different than the people you were before “when the flame was lit.” So, when trying to reignite your flame, be patient! Remember that it will not be what it used to be, but it is possible to be better than before and you both are able to explore what this will look like for each of you.
Things you can try with your partner to reignite the flame:
- Have a conversation with your partner about what turns you both on and what you both are comfortable with exploring.
- Touch their arm when passing them at home, let your partner know you notice them by physically reaching out to.
- Buy a fun “sexy” game to play with your partner.
- Nothing says you think your partner is sexy than saying “you’re sexy.” Compliment your partner! Let them know they look good in what they are wearing, how they look, about their body. If you are on the receiving end of these complements, remember to say, “thank you” and not just brush it off. This will get easier over time.
- Schedule a date night for just the two of you (reminder, this can be at home if needed and even when the kids go to bed).
- Get dressed up in an outfit that makes you feel good. This can mean a nice dress, a new button-down shirt, a new tie, or even a piece of lingerie. The idea here, is to be intentional in making yourself feel good first, and sharing this with your partner, which is a perfect opportunity to give and receive a compliment.
- Spice things up when it comes to the bedroom. Explore together what you both feel comfortable with. This can mean introducing new sexual positions, sex toys, role play, games, massage, etc.
As you explore different ways to reignite the flame, remember to be patient and communicate with your partner about what is and is not working. Be kind when giving feedback and remember that this is a team effort, and no one is mind reader.
If you’d like to learn more, I have a released online course for couples named ELAROCO.
By Priscilla Rodriguez, M.S., LMFT
Priscilla specializes in working with couples and helping them learn ways to maintain their connection with each other. Priscilla utilizes research-based techniques to help couples form a secure relationship foundation and maintain their intimacy with each other. Learn more on how you can enhance your relationship today.
