When betrayal happens in a relationship, it can lead to an emotional injury. Without understanding and forgiveness, this injury can lead to resentment or the end of the relationship.
But how do you tackle the journey of forgiveness together?
I will be honest with you. It will not feel comfortable, but it can lead to a closer and more intimate relationship.
So, here is a small rundown of what the forgiveness process can look like. Of course, it is easier said than done. However, couples can take these steps as they go through the journey of forgiveness.
Forgiveness is not just a statement of “I’m sorry.” Instead, it is an invitation for connection.
1. Identify the emotional injury
First, both partners need to identify and understand what happened and what led to the emotional injury.
Sometimes, the emotional injury can seem obvious, such as having an affair. However, sometimes it may seem more subtle. For example, you may share something about your partner that you did not mean to share.
Regardless of the emotional injury, both partners need to identify it. This will keep the following conversations focused and give both partners an opportunity to speak and feel understood.
As you can imagine, discussing all past pains and hurts at once will not lead to effective conversations. Instead, this will likely lead to arguments and make both partners feel helpless.
2. Identify and express emotions
Second, the injured partner can identify their emotions and verbalize them.
Anger, frustration, rage, sadness, and embarrassment are all common emotions that the injured partner may experience. During this step, the injured partner has a chance to explore these emotions.
They can also understand that these emotions are part of a normal human experience. Additionally, the injured partner may deny some emotions or even experience shock.
If the injured partner wants understanding, they need to identify and verbally express their hurt and pain.
The goal is to express the injured partner’s reality without escalating the conversation or attacking the injuring partner.
3. Listen and acknowledge the pain
Third, the injuring partner can listen and acknowledge their partner’s pain.
During this step, the injuring partner learns to manage their emotions while creating space for their partner’s pain. This can sometimes feel challenging because the injuring partner may experience shame, guilt, anger, and sadness.
Therefore, avoiding attacks during the previous step is important. Otherwise, these normal emotions can easily lead to an argument.
4. Take responsibility
Fourth, the injuring partner can verbalize how they are taking responsibility.
During this time, the injuring partner can comment on the event and the injured partner’s emotions and reality. They can express their understanding and truly empathize with their partner without escalating the conversation into an argument.
5. Decide how to move forward
Finally, both partners can discuss their willingness to stay in the relationship and work together.
Both partners can now focus on their emotional needs and support each other while rebuilding trust and connection. During this step, couples can share what they would like to see differently moving forward.
They can also discuss their expectations and establish new boundaries.
Remember that this process will take time, and every couple and situation is different. Therefore, give yourselves grace as you go through the journey of forgiveness.
I understand that this process is much easier said than done, but it is not impossible. Many couples use therapy sessions to work toward forgiveness or learn communication skills for future challenges.
Depending on the emotional injury, both partners must mutually decide to stay in the relationship. Eventually, both people must feel safe enough physically, emotionally, and mentally to become vulnerable again.
By Priscilla Rodiguez, M.S., LMFT
Priscilla specializes in working with couples and helping them learn ways to heal emotional injuries that have been caused by infidelity, lack of support, and even lack of communication. Priscilla utilizes research based techniques to help couples form a new relationship foundation. Learn more on how you can enhance your relationship today.
