Working with couples who sometimes find it difficult to come to a financial consensus is common in my practice! If you have struggled with this in the past, you are not alone. Not many couples know how to argue about money.
What I have found to help couples is to first refer them to a financial advisor. I cannot provide financial advice. Second, we discuss what money means to both partners and how they came up with these money beliefs. We also discuss what money translates into in their relationship.
Explore your money beliefs
Taking the time to explore your money beliefs and where they originated from will help you. This is especially important when it comes time to verbalize your beliefs to your partner.
For example, a partner may have grown up with parents who never had enough to pay all the bills. They may not have had enough for food. This partner is going to have a completely different perception of money and how to spend money. This differs from a partner who grew up with a weekly allowance and quarterly family vacations.
Once you identify where your money beliefs originated from, you can identify what money means for you. This may relate to a sense of security, stability, and living.
Perhaps saving money every month makes you feel secure and comfortable. This allows you to spend extra money during your vacation. Perhaps, you are fearful of only saving and need to live in the moment. This means there is no reason to save.
So why should you share these beliefs with your partner?
The main reason is that your partner may go against these rules that we have set up for ourselves. That is when the money arguments commence.
The beliefs that you have set up are there as a way to protect yourself. However, when that is challenged, you may tend to tell yourself that your partner does not care about you. You may think your partner does not love you or does not understand you.
Actions and beliefs:
For example, you may see your partner sticking to a budget you two have set together. Your partner may follow through with saving $500 this month. You may tell yourself that your partner cares about you and your future together.
Now, you may have discussed saving money already, and your partner spends the $500 on shoes and a nice purse. You may tell yourself that your partner does not care about you. You may also think your partner is not serious about your future together.
The only way to know about the underlying belief is to talk about it. Share this with your partner! Remember, no one is a mind reader, and giving a cold shoulder does not translate to truth.
For example, you can say something along the lines of, “Saving money means that we will be secure in our future. I get nervous whenever we overspend. I would be okay with spending money after we have put away $500 into our savings.”
So the argument is not always about the dollar amount. It’s about the meaning that this dollar amount has on your relationship. It is also about the rule you have set up for yourself.
I challenge you to dig deeper to understand your own money rules and your partner’s money rules. Once you two identify these individual money rules, you can then create a couple identity around money. You can also decide what money rules your relationship should have to feel secure and stable.
If you have found that money has been an issue in your relationship, I highly encourage you to reach out and speak with a financial advisor or representative as they will be able to guide you in the best direction of goals you both have for your relationship. It is never too early to get a hold of your finances.
If you would like more information on this topic, there will be an upcoming couples workshop that will be focused on increasing your communication skills and you will have access to a financial representative who will be guiding couples on how to financially get on the same page together.
Be sure to reserve your seat before they are filled!
