Talking about what turns you on can feel a little embarrassing or awkward if you are not comfortable with conversations being about you, more specifically, if you sometimes feel guilty or selfish to verbalize ways you enjoy feeling good.
Why talk about what turns you on?
Sure, things sexually with your partner may be going well, but if you are wanting to feel more intimate, feel a deeper connection, or take things to the next level with your partner, communicating about your sexual desires and what turns you on can be helpful. Remember, your partner is not a mind reader and the only way for them to do the things you enjoy, is if you communicate them. Talking about what you enjoy and what turns you on can be a way to also take care of yourself because you are sharing about you and your interests.
What if I do not know what turns me on?
It is okay if you have not explored this and found what turns you on. Taking time to explore this either individually or with your partner can be part of the fun. Start off with what helps you relax or what you would consider sexy or romantic. Think of this as a testing phase, so if something does not work or you do not enjoy it as much as you thought you would, that is okay.
Where do I even start on communicating my turn-ons?
Some things to consider are to start off where your mood is. The saying “I’m just not in the mood” does have some truth to that. Being sad, tired, busy, or irritated is not a turn-on. Maybe identify your mood and allow yourself to relax. A massage from your partner, cuddling, or cleaning up around the house may become a turn-on. Sometimes even taking some time to be alone and decompress can be helpful as well. Again, explore what works for you and communicate your needs to your partner. Doing so will go a long way. Be sure to share what turns you off, such as coming home to a cluttered house. Also share what helps alleviate this and turns you on. For example, your partner may help pick up without being asked.
Brakes vs. Accelerators
Emily Nagoski, author of Come as You Are (The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life), explains sexual brakes (i.e. turn offs) and sexual accelerators(i.e. turn-ons). The sensitivity of these brakes and accelerators varies from person to person. The key is to first figure out where you stand with these brakes and accelerators. Then share that with your partner. There is nothing wrong with you if it is hard to “be in the mood.” This may happen when the house is cluttered and you feel overwhelmed. This means your sexual brakes are more sensitive than others. You may need to find ways to alleviate those brakes. Communicating what helps and does not help couples feel on the same page. This is especially important when it comes to intimacy. I have heard many people say no to sex because they are not in the mood. They sometimes feel guilty or shameful about this. The person initiating sexual intimacy may feel frustrated. They may not know what to do to help. They may also feel rejected and eventually stop trying. Increasing communication about sexual intimacy can help both partners gain clarity. This is especially true when discussing what turns you on.With these conversations, remember the importance of respecting what you and your partner feel comfortable with and the importance of consent. Communicating about what turns you on does not mean that you are instructing your partner to do that at that moment. It is simply a time you are sharing to learn more about each other and opening the door to explore something new together.
